Ever since my last therapy session, I took a lot of things into consideration when it came to my relationships with those surrounding me. I had a hard time struggling with the fact that I had to distance myself from certain people because it wasn’t benefiting my health. I already deal with a bout of loneliness, so whenever I know that I need to cut ties, something inside of me twists and turns into this form of guilt that I wish could go away. When I tried to lean on certain friendships and family members with my struggles, I was met with so much resentment that it honestly made my anxiety worse. I would try to communicate with them the best way that I could, but when there’s nothing that you can do to change a mind, you are left with defeat.
I stopped apologizing for cutting ties a long time ago. When I left Montreal to come here to Toronto, a lot of people tried to make me feel guilty for cutting out a significant family member in my life – my adoptive father. Even when I would explain the whole situation to them, especially the fact that he was causing harm, they could not see past him being my father. Those people did not last long in my life, and I wasn’t even apologetic for it. Why should I be? This man created such a toxic atmosphere that I needed to leave for my mental health. It took me YEARS of therapy to get over, yet, “he’s still your father.”
We are brought up to think that family bonds are eternal and these family members are always supposed to be there for us – you never expect them to hurt you; I never expected to be tossed aside.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only person to make that list. I honestly thought, as a naïve little girl, that everyone else that I would bring into my life would be trustworthy, loyal & overall understanding. I don’t mean to sound negative here, but there are a lot of “friends” out there who feed off of others, suck a lot of energy out of you – yet, you still tend to keep them around because no one is perfect, and there are things that you can overlook. I refused this theory a couple of years ago and quite honestly, am in a much better place than I’ve ever been. Any toxic relationship can drain you emotionally and impact your overall mental health.
I’m a big believer in tribes, and everyone who you bring into your circle should give you a feeling of empowerment, trust and happiness. We’re growing at an alarming rate, and soon enough, with the blink of an eye, we’ll be older. I don’t have time to deal with all of this “high school bullshit” (as I put it) and neither should you, especially if you are dealing with depression or anxiety. We already beat up ourselves quite well; we don’t need another person to do the same. Whether it’s a family member, an older friend or just someone you met the other week – don’t let that guilt consume you. Free yourselves so you can get to a better and healthier you in 2019
The Gray Space 